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As phases go some are abandoned forever, some are started and finished and some are put on the shelf for a while until I am drawn to them again. Blogging falls into category 3. It has been a while since I have posted... and what is interesting is that my life has been extraordinarily busy, disappointing, exciting, sad, scary, joyous, and most of all... challenging...sometimes these feelings happen from day to day and sometimes there is a melting pot of many of these emotions flooding in at the very same time. From my acceptance into graduate school to the death of my grandmother, life has been moving along at a very fast pace with some of the highest highs and lowest lows.
I have sat down many times to write, but have felt it wasn't time. Emotions were too raw or the sadness too heavy. On the joyous days I would want to share but didn't want to remove myself from the joy to write it down.
Some days I wish that the days would fly by even faster than they already are...wishing bad days away so that I can move onto what is next. Of late, there seem to be more bad days than I am accustom to, as I have lived a pretty blessed life. Through the bad I have learned a lot about myself as well as others. I have seen the magic and power of friendship, the importance of letting people be there for me, being willing to say "I can't do this anymore" and knowing that it takes strength and courage to walk away from something that isn't right for me. I've also being reminded that I have one of the best families anyone could ask for.
I have refused to harden my heart as the challenges presented themselves. Sure, I've learned to better protect myself but I am not going to change the person I am because some people are miserable and want everyone else to be miserable too.
On other days I ask the Universe to slow down so I can take it all in. The days filled with laughter, friends, family and happiness. Because these days have been less frequent of late, I work to enjoy every second so that I can save up some of the happy moments and sprinkle them into those days where I have climbed in bed at 7:30pm just to be able to say I made it through another day.
My wishes have been granted in both cases, allowing me to move through the difficult parts knowing that the less difficult parts are waiting in the wings.
This has been a year of me having to be selfish at times so that I could hold it all together. I haven't felt like I have been able to be there for those who have been there for me. I guess that is what makes the strong friendships I am so lucky to have. I am allowed to let it be about me for a while. What's even more awesome is that when it shouldn't be about me, my friends let me know that...and I am a better person because of it. They have kept me sane.
I never ask to not experience the difficult...I just ask for the tools I need to get through it so that I come out on the other side...maybe a little scarred but also a little better. Scars tell stories. A life without stories would be a pretty boring life.
This has been a very challenging year for me, but with most challenges there are amazing lessons to be learned. I'm trying to find the lessons in the chaos and the calm in my heart to take advantage of the lessons. It is about creating a life that is well lived. It is about trying to find the "awesomeness".
There is always awesomeness around. Sometimes it is just a little harder to find.
As the light becomes quite bright at the end of this dark tunnel, I am excited about all of the amazing possibilities on the horizon. I will be able to look back on the challenges I have encountered and I will know that they have made what is next that much sweeter.
as I was proofreading this post, it almost reads like I ended a bad relationship. In some ways I have but not in the realm of a romantic relationship. This isn't a post about a lost love but about finding myself and holding my ground when adversity is part of my daily work life. The bright light at the end is only a few weeks away and I owe a big "thanks" to those who have listened, advised, allowed me space, shook me back into reality when needed, made me laugh when it didn't seem possible, and most of all for showing steadfast love and support. xoxoxoxo