"Enveloped" in Happiness

Have you ever had an envelope bring a HUGE smile to your face?

Over the holidays I received an envelope in the mail from a long-time friend. Her creative, beautiful spirit flowed through the Christmas card that was enclosed in the envelope that had my address written in her signature handwriting. I know it may sound odd, but as long as I have known my friend Dawn, I have been obsessed with her handwriting. She tutored me in Math when I was in middle school and I remember going home after our tutoring sessions and trying copy her handwriting. It was so creative and unique...and my handwriting was atrocious...so I went home and practiced and practiced. I have never been able to write like her, but I have become obsessed with people's handwriting ever since!

This envelope in my mailbox made me realize that there are so many small things that can bring about large amounts of happiness and joy. It is something I sometimes forget when life gets a little tough, and this sweet card was a gentle nudge to pay attention to things...because there are hidden bits of loveliness all around.

It was also a great start to an AMAZING holiday season! The envelope was a fantastic reminder to pay attention to the little things that bring joy... because the joy I feel can become contagious to those around me. I wanted to spread joy around like the flu...a good flu (if there is such a thing).

By being focused on happiness, my holiday was profoundly affected. It was a peculiar phenomenon. When you focus on joy/happiness you don't have the time, energy or need to focus on the negative things. I was able to be more engaged in the things I was doing and I was engaged for no other reason than the fact that the activity or conversation I was involved in brought me joy. Whether it was helping out with dinner, reading my book, laughing at the most ridiculous things, or deciding that the 1/2 inch thick bolt that was stuck in the front tire only after the third hour of travel on a 13 hour road-trip...wasn't going to ruin the fantastic vacation I was driving home from. It helped that my friend and travelling companion, Carolyn, also decided to find the humor in this otherwise complicated "challenge" we were facing...and we turned this "challenge" into a road-trip that will have memories and inside jokes to last a life-time!

The amount of joy and happiness I felt during this time was directly related to my choices. My choices about how I would "spin" something, what I focused on and how much I was willing to stop trying to control. It was awesome. I was "enveloped" in happiness.

So, as this New Year begins.....my focus will be on finding joy and happiness in the little things. Enveloping myself in the never-ending loveliness that appears each day....and taking the time to search for it on those tough days...when it takes a little more effort. It is worth putting forth the effort because when I don't take the time to look for the good things, I am really missing out. I am so thankful for the fantastic holiday that I just wrapped up.

A holiday season that started with a sweet Christmas card from a dear friend...who has the coolest handwriting I have ever seen.

xoxo

happy new year!

e~

Happiness, Gremlins, and Clarity

image from http://www.squidoo.com/braintest

I've been in a interesting space in my head over the last few weeks. It's questioning, fearful, uncomfortable, exciting, creative, and has the potential to move me to the next phase of my life. I am 100% certain that a new, and pretty awesome change is about to take place for me. I don't exactly know what it is, or how soon it will happen... but I know it is coming. I'm not sure how I know...I just do.

I've always had a pretty good instinct so I will trust my instinct right now, knowing change is in my future... and it will be pretty awesome.

Because I am someone who knows when it is time to make a change, I also know that the changes I make will generally cause some upheaval in my life.  I also know that there are parts of the changes that aren't enjoyable. The good thing is that these parts are manageable if I make sure to take the time to manage them. The areas that generally cause me discomfort or even pain when I am moving into something new, usually revolve around non-tangible things. The discomfort is almost always related to fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what others will think, fear of causing others discomfort because my pursuit doesn't fit into the mold of what they think I should do.  It is fear that really isn't necessary but is always present in some form. I think that it is natural to have some fear when making a big change. The fear is there to help protect on some levels, but it is usually quite irrational and it generally fed by my "ego"...that annoying negative thought pattern that always has an opinion about my choices.

As I work on being open to whatever is next in my life, I've also been working on managing my fears and negative thoughts. There are two things I have been doing that seem to be working well for me. The first thing I've been doing is writing what are called "morning pages". The idea came from a book I have,  The Artist's Way. It's about unblocking creativity. I've owned the book and supplemental journal for many years, but had never read it (that is a habit I have....buying books that go unread). As I was working on de-cluttering parts of my house I ran across them. I read the beginning of the book and decided to start on the Morning Pages. In the book there are many other things I could be doing to help open up my creativity...but for now I just need a method and space to clear my head of the things that keep me from being open to what's next.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I head downstairs and sit down at my desk. I pick up my pen and start writing anything that comes to mind. Anything. I have to write 3 whole pages. The actual journal pages are pretty big, so it can be difficult to fill them up. I don't censor myself or worry about my handwriting, grammar or spelling.  I just write. I write without stopping, without thinking, without judgement. I am barely awake when I start writing. You see, my "ego" hasn't had time to wake-up to begin editing my writing. I write freely and purely from my heart.

It's amazing how much better I feel after I "dump" all of my thoughts out in the morning. It really does clear my brain for the day. It clears my head of my irrational thoughts as well as gives me focus on the ones that need attention. It's the closest thing to meditation that I have been able to do. It's also pretty awesome.

The other thing I've been doing is a little harder to explain without sounding a little nuts! I'll try to explain it though. :-)  Once I am more awake, the negative thoughts start coming out of the dark recesses of my brain. Some call it the ego, my friend Jamie calls it her Chicken Coop (check out her blog!), and I call these negative thoughts my Gremlins. All I do is notice my thoughts. When a negative thought enters my mind, I acknowledge it and then move on. It's simple but powerful. Once I see that I'm being irrational or negative with my thoughts I can move past them. In some of the books I've read, it's also called "mindfulness" or being mindful...whatever it's name is..... it is called "sanity" for me.

As I use these two techniques I find more clarity. Sometimes to get to clarity there is a lot of "stuff" you have to get through. I'm realizing more and more that my "stuff" is irrational stuff. It's all fear based. It's all based on my ego.  I'm working on quieting my negative thoughts and trusting my own instincts. My instincts have served me well, when I have listened.

A big change is on the way. I can feel it deep down in my bones. I can't wait to see what it is. It will be good. It will be awesome...and it will happen soon....I can feel it. :-)

I'll be sure to keep you posted!

xoxo
e~

A lack of a 5 year plan makes some nervous. This post will not help with that nervous feeling.

Somewhere in our lives we are taught that we need to grow up, be responsible, have a savings account, be insured, buy a house, get married, have a 401K, earn, save, plan and all of the things that supposedly make us "grown". As I was thinking about this idea, I am not that person. I never have been (as you will read...I've tried to be)...but I am here to tell you that it doesn't work for me. 

 In a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my lack of a 5-year plan. That thought has been on my mind a lot lately. I changed careers from one in a more creative field to one that is more stable. Before that I had many various jobs that make my resume look like a patch-work quilt of randomness... I am thankful for all of those amazing adventures. The places I've been, the lessons I've learned, and the amazing people I've met have made my life fun, interesting and pretty fantastic!

My current "career" path is one that has stability and longevity. It's a "respectable" job that has all of the normal bells and whistles that make one "secure". I have moved up quickly in my profession and now that I have reached the level of being a "leader" (I use this term loosely)... I've realized that I moved to my current position for the wrong reasons. When I began in this career it was truly a calling. A moment when I had a realization that I was supposed to become a teacher. It was random, sudden and urgent. It was clear I was meant to follow this path. I went back to school, got my degree and started to teach. it was awesome and I was pretty good at it! I taught for a while and began looking at options. The options were to move into a leadership role. 

My current leadership role came out of necessity (necessity because the position I was in was being cut) as well as a desire to make more money... eventually.  This isn't how I've done things in the past. My choices are based on passion....this was based on money. 

I've ventured away from my calling....to "climb the ladder". I don't regret taking this detour in my life,  because it has allowed me to see that it isn't the path for me. I won't have to wonder if it was meant for me.  I know for sure. It isn't.  I've learned that I like to work where there isn't much that is black and white...where the possibilities outweigh the restrictions and creativity is looked at as a contribution to the greater cause.  Where rules are flexible or created as you go, where taking risk is celebrated and failure is a tool to learn and do something even better.  I'm never going to work for the money again. I'd rather live in a rented studio apartment and have my soul sing on a regular basis because I love what I do, than have lots of stuff that I don't really need. 

As my realization grew that my current job isn't "my calling",  I've discovered that I've missed teaching. Teaching brings me great joy. I love sharing ideas, collaborating with colleagues and helping people discover new things. Teaching is as much about sharing as it is about learning. I miss that. A lot.Where I am now isn't the right "venue" (for lack of a better word). It is too restrictive. I've had to box away parts of myself to fit into my current role. I was very idealistic when I took this job and the reality is clear...I need to be in a place where I can be creative, take risks and ask questions that may seem silly to others but that allow me to grow, flourish, and create. 

I miss parts of me that I feel like I gave-up to "grow up". The risk taker, the parts of me that followed my heart (even when it makes others nervous or uncomfortable). 

In chaos comes clarity. I am working on finding that clarity. It isn't easy, but the rewards are great. 

 Maybe that is why I am going through a phase where I really want to get rid of a lot of the stuff I have acquired over the years. It's just stuff. And I think the more I am attached to my stuff, the more I feel I have to be what is considered 'grown up' so I can afford all of my stuff.

Sure, I know I need some things.... Money for food, bills, and shelter... clothes and books. Insurance is important. I get it. But I think I got lost in my desire to secure a job that made those around me feel secure about my future... and in doing so I was willing to conform to a point that doesn't work for me. Now I'm realizing I need something different.  I am  thankful for the career path I've been on. It's brought me so much joy through the amazing friends I have made as well as the millions of things I have learned about myself through the process...but I think I have come full-circle in realizing that somewhere on this journey I neatly put aside some parts of myself that I really miss.  I'm looking forward to "unpacking" and rediscovering the creative risk-taker that has been on hiatus for a while. 

 watch out world...I'm making a comeback!

~e

Oh Crap. I feel another phase coming on...

I'm feeling a phase I've had in the past trying to make a comeback. This is both fantastic and frightening all at the same time.  It is the "de-cluttering my life" phase. It's a dangerous place.

My de-cluttering phases of years past have usually grown out of necessity. When I moved from a 2 bedroom apartment to a 400 square foot studio, so I could return to school at the age of 30...I sold or donated tons of my stuff. It felt really good. I enjoyed knowing what all of my possessions were and I only kept things I needed.

After finishing school, securing a job and not being a starving college student anymore I began purchasing/obtaining/finding stuff I liked. Over the last few years the amount of crap stuff I have has grown exponentially. I moved into my current dwelling almost 2 years ago. I have a huge indoor storage/attic area that is full. I've only been in there once to look for something. Once. So that tells me that all of the stuff in there is really not important to me. At all. So unimportant that I don't even know what is in there!

I also have a glorified storage closet guest room. It too has become a haven for misfit items. From the guest closet (which, by the way, is bigger than the closet in my room) to under the guest bed. All areas that could hold stuff... have stuff.

So...you ask...how do I know this phase is trying to make a comeback? The proof is in the 9 garbage bags full of clothes I am going to donate and the 6 reusable grocery bags full of books that will be sold at my local Half-Priced Books. I have also filled my recycle bin with stuff...and have only filled one trash bag with actual trash (trying to be eco-friendly in my de-cluttering). Luckily most of the stuff I have can be given away or sold.  This part is the FANTASTIC part.

The frightening part, you ask?

All of this crap is from the guest bedroom/closet and the bookshelf downstairs. I haven't even opened the storage closet upstairs. And it is bigger than my whole guest room and guest closet combined.  I think I'm going to need to tackle that space with a plan (and a bulldozer).  No. You don't need to call A&E to let them know they have a new episode of Hoarders ready to go in ATX. Yes. I do have a lot of stuff, but luckily I also have a home that has lots of closet space. Space to keep crap I don't need.

To be honest, I kind of know what has spurred this little de-cluttering adventure. I am thinking about returning to school next year. If I do that, I know I will downsize and actually have a need to get rid of some of my stuff. I guess I am really just being proactive!

Thinking about going back to school reminded me of the last time I downsized... and I lived a pretty de-cluttered life then. Not just de-cluttered of stuff, but everything else seemed a little more organized. It was nice. It was simple. It worked for me... better than having all of this stuff.

I will be making a trip to Goodwill and Half-Priced books in the morning. My goal is to have the whole downstairs of my house clutter-free before I go to bed tonight. It might be a late night...I wonder if a glass of wine will help?


e~

Tales of a third grade.... identity crisis

In 3rd  grade I changed my name.

It wasn't a legal name change. It was actually done quite secretly....I didn’t tell anyone.
One day I started writing "Shelley McPherson" on my class-work and homework for school. The genius thing about it was that Shelley was IN my class. Yes, she was one of my classmates. Blonde, cute, smart, popular, freckled and very, very nice. She brought cool stuff to show-and-tell, she was great at sports, great at math, and she was always happy. She was just an all-around great person.

I figured it would be great to "be" her ...and all it would take to make that happen was a name-change.
Now, I wasn’t unhappy with who I was, it was just that she was good at things I wasn’t. I was good at a lot of things, but Shelley was really good at a couple of things I wasn’t even remotely skilled in: sports and math.

I hated P.E. and the competitive games they had us play, plus I preferred to wear skirts and dresses to school. Learning the hard way that these two items don’t mix…the day my skirt got caught in the wheel of the stupid little scooters we had to ride; causing my team to lose and me to be forever shamed in the art of scooter racing.  This is just one of many examples of my lack of prowess in sporting activities.
I won't give you any math examples. I just sucked at math.

So, I figured the powers I would need to become good at sports and math were found in the name "Shelley McPherson".

I started the transition to my new name slowly. Just writing it on the heading of my papers once or twice the first week. I didn't see any changes in my athletic ability, so I began writing it on everything I turned in.

Our teacher was Ms. Altenhoff. She had also been my teacher in 1st grade, so she was aware that I was blessed with an active imagination. One day as she was walking us to P.E. she asked me to come back to the classroom with her. I didn't want to miss P.E., because I wanted to see if the name change powers had taken effect.

I decided it must be important since Ms. Altenhoff wanted to talk to me in private, so I went back to the classroom with her.  I didn't have ANY idea why she needed to talk to me. Really. I didn't.
I sat down at one of the desks. She walked over to her desk, grabbed a manila folder and sat down to join me.

Ms. A: How are things going for you Ellen?

me: Great Ms. Altenhoff!

Ms. A.: Are you sure? Is there anything going on....at school or at home that is bothering you?

me: No, (looking at her puzzled)  things are good....... Oh, I have a new sister!

Ms. A.:  I know! Remember, you brought pictures of her for show-and-tell the other day

(a long pause, as Ms. Altenhoff decides how to proceed)

Ms. A: Ellen, I have noticed that you haven't turned in any work in the last week or so. (waiting for me to respond)

me: (looking puzzled) Ms. A, I have turned in all of my assignments.

Ms. A: (opening the folder) Ellen, I seem to have no assignments for you, but for some reason Shelley has two papers for each assignment.

me:  Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you that I changed my name to "Shelley McPherson"! That is why. I'm sorry if it confused you.

Ms. A: (looking incredibly confused, and also trying not to laugh) Oh..wow....um....but Ellen, you have such a pretty name. Why would you change your name to "Shelley McPherson"?

me: She is really good at sports and math, and I want to be good at them too.

Ms. A: (Still trying to stifle her laughter) Ellen, you are good at so many things, and not everyone is good at everything they try.  Ellen, do you enjoy sports?

me: No, not really.

Ms. A: What do you enjoy?

me: singing, dancing, playing with my friends.

Ms. A: Then those are the things that make you "Ellen". Do you want to give all of those away to be "Shelley"?

me:  OH NO! I don't Ms. A! I don't! (in a slight panic over what I might have done to myself by changing my name. Did I give up the things I really enjoy? Can I get those "powers" back? Can this be reversed? )

(Ms. Altenhoff  sensing my panic)

Ms. A:  (in the most sweet, calm "teacher voice") Ellen, honey,  find the assignments you completed in the folder and write your name on those that are yours. That is all that you need to do, and all will be back to normal.

Without wasting a second of my time, I made the corrections to the papers. I handed them to Ms. Althenhoff, hoping that I could regain all that I was as "Ellen".

me: (with panic in my voice) Ms. A....is it all back to normal? really? I mean, I didn't want to get rid of the things I like to do...how will I know if it is all O.K???

Ms. A: Ellen, your class still has 15 minutes in P.E. Why don't you go on over to the gym, you will feel better after you play with your friends.

I head to the gym. In the 15 minutes I was there, I helped my team lose the volleyball game because I tripped and fell. My skirt flew up exposing my underwear.  When I got back to class, Ms. Altenhoff returned my math assignment. I had made a 52.

All was right in the world.

I have to thank Ms. Altenhoff for being so awesome. I know some teachers who would have made me feel like a complete weirdo for doing something like this. She handled it with kid-gloves, and I appreciate her for it.

_____________________________________________________

This post was inspired by the book I am currently reading, The Happiness Project. (this is what also inspired me to begin my blog).  Part of the project is to realize there are some things you will never really enjoy doing, and that it's OK.  It also talks about that there are some things you can enjoy doing, but might not be so good at... but if they bring you joy, why not do them?

Sure, I'd love to be as hysterical, creative and all-around awesome as  The Bloggess.... or to be able to be a yoga goddess like my friend Jamie ...or to have the fashionista/decorator skills of my cousin,  Sheridan French, or to be as brave as  FabuLeslie and join a running group and find her "inner runner"....but I'm not these people and I don't have their same talents..and that's just fine with me.
What I DO have is the ability to enjoy their talents, share them with others and to nurture the talents that I DO have. That is what we all should do.

Enjoy who you are, celebrate others for what they are.....
and don't change your name.

~e