a joyful life

 Wow. I can't believe it has been so long since my last post. Life has been an incredible journey over the last two years. Yes, it has been TWO YEARS since I have posted!

Life is a funny thing.

 In the last two months I have come full circle to things I had left behind during the last two years. I have come back to rediscover things that bring me joy, happiness, creative energy and peace. I have taken a big leap of faith that has brought about a kind of child-like joy that can only be felt and seen, but not described in a way to do it justice.

 I AM BACK!

 I feel more alive than I have felt in several years. My heart is full, I am creating some beautiful wrinkles on my face because I am smiling and laughing more than I have in a very long time. It's interesting how we can lose ourselves in our lives. How our jobs become our world and how we sacrifice ourselves (our health, relationships, sense of self, etc...) for a paycheck to buy things that we don't even have time to enjoy. A joyful life is what I have always been working on. I don't search for it, I have to create it. Sometimes the creating of a joyful life makes many of those who love me a little bit nervous, but I am scrappy. I can figure it out and make ends meet. You see...when I am truly seeking a joyful life, through hard work, kindness and being true to myself; I create a life that is authentic, fulfilling and meaningful. A life worth living.

It is funny how life decides things for you when you can't decide them for yourself. It is the small voice I have disregarded for a long time that lead to the unimaginable roar that I could no longer ignore. (it can also come in the form of a very knowledgeable and caring doctor showing you that your life is literally killing you quickly and if you (I) don't get off this road you're (I'm) on, life is going to end much sooner than you (I) want it to).
 
What is amazing is that when I finally embraced what that little voice (and my doctor) was telling me,  I had a feeling of relief, wonder and excitement wash over me; all the way down to my bones.  There is no more hesitation, second guessing or fear. There are fewer self-deprecating thoughts, feelings of anxiety or concerns about the future. It's pretty damn awesome!

I am also aware that some of these feelings will come back at some point, but I am basking in the joy that I feel today. The joy that comes from making hard decisions that lead to a better life. The joy that comes from realizing that our days with those we love are numbered, and that we have more control over how we spend those days than most of us give ourselves credit for. The joy of realizing that I am the only one with the power to make the decisions that I must make to live the best life I can. 

So, going with the theme of this blog, a new phase has started! This isn't a small phase, such as taking on a new hobby. This is the start of a life-changing phase. So, how big is this new phase? Well...

•  I quit my job without having another one lined up (I'm scrappy and can figure it out!)
• I have taken a month off and not looked for a job (I started my job search after my one month of unwinding, regrouping, and relaxing! )
• I have been swimming laps 4-5 days a week (I have finally found an exercise I LOVE to do!)
• I have FINALLY been following the expert advice of Marlene Merritt and have been eating healthy foods, given up all fast-foods, sodas and sugar....and that make me feel AWESOME! (she has been waiting for this day to come for over 5 years!)
• I have made time for friends, family, reading, sleeping and anything else that brings me joy 

It's a new phase. A big, awesome, exciting, delicious new phase. 

 love,
-e 
 

next....

image from: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxnr0vjSOi1qbygswo1_250.jpg

As phases go some are abandoned forever, some are started and finished and some are put on the shelf for a while until I am drawn to them again. Blogging falls into category 3. It has been a while since I have posted... and what is interesting is that my life has been extraordinarily busy, disappointing, exciting, sad, scary, joyous, and most of all... challenging...sometimes these feelings happen from day to day and sometimes there is a melting pot of many of these emotions flooding in at the very same time.  From my acceptance into graduate school to the death of my grandmother, life has been moving along at a very fast pace with some of the highest highs and lowest lows.

 I have sat down many times to write, but have felt it wasn't time. Emotions were too raw or the sadness too heavy. On the joyous days I would want to share but didn't want to remove myself from the joy to write it down.

Some days I wish that the days would fly by even faster than they already are...wishing bad days away so that I can move onto what is next. Of late, there seem to be more bad days than I am accustom to, as I have lived a pretty blessed life. Through the bad I have learned a lot about myself as well as others. I have seen the magic and power of friendship, the importance of letting people be there for me, being willing to say "I can't do this anymore" and knowing that it takes strength and courage to walk away from something that isn't right for me. I've also being reminded that I have one of the best families anyone could ask for.

I have refused to harden my heart as the challenges presented themselves. Sure, I've learned to better protect myself but I am not going to change the person I am because some people are miserable and want everyone else to be miserable too.

 On other days I ask the Universe to slow down so I can take it all in. The days filled with laughter, friends, family and happiness. Because these days have been less frequent of late, I work to enjoy every second so that I can save up some of the happy moments and sprinkle them into those days where I have climbed in bed at 7:30pm just to be able to say I made it through another day.

My wishes have been granted in both cases, allowing me to move through the difficult parts knowing that the less difficult parts are waiting in the wings.

This has been a year of me having to be selfish at times so that I could hold it all together. I haven't felt like I have been able to be there for those who have been there for me.  I guess that is what makes the strong friendships I am so lucky to have. I am allowed to let it be about me for a while. What's even more awesome is that when it shouldn't be about me, my friends let me know that...and I am a better person because of it. They have kept me sane.

I never ask to not experience the difficult...I just ask for the tools I need to get through it so that I come out on the other side...maybe a little scarred but also a little better. Scars tell stories. A life without stories would be a pretty boring life.

 This has been a very challenging year for me, but with most challenges there are amazing lessons to be learned. I'm trying to find the lessons in the chaos and the calm in my heart to take advantage of the lessons. It is about creating a life that is well lived. It is about trying to find the "awesomeness".

There is always awesomeness around. Sometimes it is just a little harder to find.

As the light becomes quite bright at the end of this dark tunnel, I am excited about all of the amazing possibilities on the horizon. I will be able to look back on the challenges I have encountered and I will know that they have made what is next that much sweeter.

~e

p.s.
as I was proofreading this post, it almost reads like I ended a bad relationship. In some ways I have but not in the realm of a romantic relationship. This isn't a post about a lost love but about finding myself and holding my ground when adversity is part of my daily work life. The bright light at the end is only a few weeks away and I owe a big "thanks" to those who have listened, advised, allowed me space, shook me back into reality when needed, made me laugh when it didn't seem possible, and most of all for showing steadfast love and support. xoxoxoxo

"Enveloped" in Happiness

Have you ever had an envelope bring a HUGE smile to your face?

Over the holidays I received an envelope in the mail from a long-time friend. Her creative, beautiful spirit flowed through the Christmas card that was enclosed in the envelope that had my address written in her signature handwriting. I know it may sound odd, but as long as I have known my friend Dawn, I have been obsessed with her handwriting. She tutored me in Math when I was in middle school and I remember going home after our tutoring sessions and trying copy her handwriting. It was so creative and unique...and my handwriting was atrocious...so I went home and practiced and practiced. I have never been able to write like her, but I have become obsessed with people's handwriting ever since!

This envelope in my mailbox made me realize that there are so many small things that can bring about large amounts of happiness and joy. It is something I sometimes forget when life gets a little tough, and this sweet card was a gentle nudge to pay attention to things...because there are hidden bits of loveliness all around.

It was also a great start to an AMAZING holiday season! The envelope was a fantastic reminder to pay attention to the little things that bring joy... because the joy I feel can become contagious to those around me. I wanted to spread joy around like the flu...a good flu (if there is such a thing).

By being focused on happiness, my holiday was profoundly affected. It was a peculiar phenomenon. When you focus on joy/happiness you don't have the time, energy or need to focus on the negative things. I was able to be more engaged in the things I was doing and I was engaged for no other reason than the fact that the activity or conversation I was involved in brought me joy. Whether it was helping out with dinner, reading my book, laughing at the most ridiculous things, or deciding that the 1/2 inch thick bolt that was stuck in the front tire only after the third hour of travel on a 13 hour road-trip...wasn't going to ruin the fantastic vacation I was driving home from. It helped that my friend and travelling companion, Carolyn, also decided to find the humor in this otherwise complicated "challenge" we were facing...and we turned this "challenge" into a road-trip that will have memories and inside jokes to last a life-time!

The amount of joy and happiness I felt during this time was directly related to my choices. My choices about how I would "spin" something, what I focused on and how much I was willing to stop trying to control. It was awesome. I was "enveloped" in happiness.

So, as this New Year begins.....my focus will be on finding joy and happiness in the little things. Enveloping myself in the never-ending loveliness that appears each day....and taking the time to search for it on those tough days...when it takes a little more effort. It is worth putting forth the effort because when I don't take the time to look for the good things, I am really missing out. I am so thankful for the fantastic holiday that I just wrapped up.

A holiday season that started with a sweet Christmas card from a dear friend...who has the coolest handwriting I have ever seen.

xoxo

happy new year!

e~

Happiness, Gremlins, and Clarity

image from http://www.squidoo.com/braintest

I've been in a interesting space in my head over the last few weeks. It's questioning, fearful, uncomfortable, exciting, creative, and has the potential to move me to the next phase of my life. I am 100% certain that a new, and pretty awesome change is about to take place for me. I don't exactly know what it is, or how soon it will happen... but I know it is coming. I'm not sure how I know...I just do.

I've always had a pretty good instinct so I will trust my instinct right now, knowing change is in my future... and it will be pretty awesome.

Because I am someone who knows when it is time to make a change, I also know that the changes I make will generally cause some upheaval in my life.  I also know that there are parts of the changes that aren't enjoyable. The good thing is that these parts are manageable if I make sure to take the time to manage them. The areas that generally cause me discomfort or even pain when I am moving into something new, usually revolve around non-tangible things. The discomfort is almost always related to fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of what others will think, fear of causing others discomfort because my pursuit doesn't fit into the mold of what they think I should do.  It is fear that really isn't necessary but is always present in some form. I think that it is natural to have some fear when making a big change. The fear is there to help protect on some levels, but it is usually quite irrational and it generally fed by my "ego"...that annoying negative thought pattern that always has an opinion about my choices.

As I work on being open to whatever is next in my life, I've also been working on managing my fears and negative thoughts. There are two things I have been doing that seem to be working well for me. The first thing I've been doing is writing what are called "morning pages". The idea came from a book I have,  The Artist's Way. It's about unblocking creativity. I've owned the book and supplemental journal for many years, but had never read it (that is a habit I have....buying books that go unread). As I was working on de-cluttering parts of my house I ran across them. I read the beginning of the book and decided to start on the Morning Pages. In the book there are many other things I could be doing to help open up my creativity...but for now I just need a method and space to clear my head of the things that keep me from being open to what's next.

As soon as I get up in the morning, I head downstairs and sit down at my desk. I pick up my pen and start writing anything that comes to mind. Anything. I have to write 3 whole pages. The actual journal pages are pretty big, so it can be difficult to fill them up. I don't censor myself or worry about my handwriting, grammar or spelling.  I just write. I write without stopping, without thinking, without judgement. I am barely awake when I start writing. You see, my "ego" hasn't had time to wake-up to begin editing my writing. I write freely and purely from my heart.

It's amazing how much better I feel after I "dump" all of my thoughts out in the morning. It really does clear my brain for the day. It clears my head of my irrational thoughts as well as gives me focus on the ones that need attention. It's the closest thing to meditation that I have been able to do. It's also pretty awesome.

The other thing I've been doing is a little harder to explain without sounding a little nuts! I'll try to explain it though. :-)  Once I am more awake, the negative thoughts start coming out of the dark recesses of my brain. Some call it the ego, my friend Jamie calls it her Chicken Coop (check out her blog!), and I call these negative thoughts my Gremlins. All I do is notice my thoughts. When a negative thought enters my mind, I acknowledge it and then move on. It's simple but powerful. Once I see that I'm being irrational or negative with my thoughts I can move past them. In some of the books I've read, it's also called "mindfulness" or being mindful...whatever it's name is..... it is called "sanity" for me.

As I use these two techniques I find more clarity. Sometimes to get to clarity there is a lot of "stuff" you have to get through. I'm realizing more and more that my "stuff" is irrational stuff. It's all fear based. It's all based on my ego.  I'm working on quieting my negative thoughts and trusting my own instincts. My instincts have served me well, when I have listened.

A big change is on the way. I can feel it deep down in my bones. I can't wait to see what it is. It will be good. It will be awesome...and it will happen soon....I can feel it. :-)

I'll be sure to keep you posted!

xoxo
e~

A lack of a 5 year plan makes some nervous. This post will not help with that nervous feeling.

Somewhere in our lives we are taught that we need to grow up, be responsible, have a savings account, be insured, buy a house, get married, have a 401K, earn, save, plan and all of the things that supposedly make us "grown". As I was thinking about this idea, I am not that person. I never have been (as you will read...I've tried to be)...but I am here to tell you that it doesn't work for me. 

 In a post a few weeks ago I wrote about my lack of a 5-year plan. That thought has been on my mind a lot lately. I changed careers from one in a more creative field to one that is more stable. Before that I had many various jobs that make my resume look like a patch-work quilt of randomness... I am thankful for all of those amazing adventures. The places I've been, the lessons I've learned, and the amazing people I've met have made my life fun, interesting and pretty fantastic!

My current "career" path is one that has stability and longevity. It's a "respectable" job that has all of the normal bells and whistles that make one "secure". I have moved up quickly in my profession and now that I have reached the level of being a "leader" (I use this term loosely)... I've realized that I moved to my current position for the wrong reasons. When I began in this career it was truly a calling. A moment when I had a realization that I was supposed to become a teacher. It was random, sudden and urgent. It was clear I was meant to follow this path. I went back to school, got my degree and started to teach. it was awesome and I was pretty good at it! I taught for a while and began looking at options. The options were to move into a leadership role. 

My current leadership role came out of necessity (necessity because the position I was in was being cut) as well as a desire to make more money... eventually.  This isn't how I've done things in the past. My choices are based on passion....this was based on money. 

I've ventured away from my calling....to "climb the ladder". I don't regret taking this detour in my life,  because it has allowed me to see that it isn't the path for me. I won't have to wonder if it was meant for me.  I know for sure. It isn't.  I've learned that I like to work where there isn't much that is black and white...where the possibilities outweigh the restrictions and creativity is looked at as a contribution to the greater cause.  Where rules are flexible or created as you go, where taking risk is celebrated and failure is a tool to learn and do something even better.  I'm never going to work for the money again. I'd rather live in a rented studio apartment and have my soul sing on a regular basis because I love what I do, than have lots of stuff that I don't really need. 

As my realization grew that my current job isn't "my calling",  I've discovered that I've missed teaching. Teaching brings me great joy. I love sharing ideas, collaborating with colleagues and helping people discover new things. Teaching is as much about sharing as it is about learning. I miss that. A lot.Where I am now isn't the right "venue" (for lack of a better word). It is too restrictive. I've had to box away parts of myself to fit into my current role. I was very idealistic when I took this job and the reality is clear...I need to be in a place where I can be creative, take risks and ask questions that may seem silly to others but that allow me to grow, flourish, and create. 

I miss parts of me that I feel like I gave-up to "grow up". The risk taker, the parts of me that followed my heart (even when it makes others nervous or uncomfortable). 

In chaos comes clarity. I am working on finding that clarity. It isn't easy, but the rewards are great. 

 Maybe that is why I am going through a phase where I really want to get rid of a lot of the stuff I have acquired over the years. It's just stuff. And I think the more I am attached to my stuff, the more I feel I have to be what is considered 'grown up' so I can afford all of my stuff.

Sure, I know I need some things.... Money for food, bills, and shelter... clothes and books. Insurance is important. I get it. But I think I got lost in my desire to secure a job that made those around me feel secure about my future... and in doing so I was willing to conform to a point that doesn't work for me. Now I'm realizing I need something different.  I am  thankful for the career path I've been on. It's brought me so much joy through the amazing friends I have made as well as the millions of things I have learned about myself through the process...but I think I have come full-circle in realizing that somewhere on this journey I neatly put aside some parts of myself that I really miss.  I'm looking forward to "unpacking" and rediscovering the creative risk-taker that has been on hiatus for a while. 

 watch out world...I'm making a comeback!

~e

Large metal letters and other important obsessions

I have a few obsessions. They are somewhat random but they all make sense to me.

Saturday morning I went to my local Farmer's Market. I haven't been in a while, but I was craving some of their offerings...and the dairy products you get at the F.M. can't be beat. On my way home I decided to get off the highway and take the neighborhood streets home. In a random parking lot I could see that some kind of art show was being set up. As I glanced over, I saw them... I couldn't breathe... I had to have them.

Leaning against the wall were these huge letters. The letters M and K were both metal and the A and E were made of wood. (spelling MAKE).  Each letter was approximately 4 feet tall and 3 feet wide. They were magnificent!

The logical part of my brain told me that I had dairy products from the Farmer's Market that needed to get to the fridge...so I couldn't stop. It just wasn't practical to allow Farmer's Market priced milk to go bad while perusing the art show.
What I love is that the logical part of my brain said NOTHING about the fact that I have NO reason and/or space in my home for these beautiful useless letters... Nope...only the groceries kept me from pulling into the parking lot.

After arriving home and unloading my Farmer's Market goods, I decided I "needed" to go to the bookstore. I really never need to go to the bookstore. I generally go because, for some reason, walking around the bookstore for a good chunk of time makes me feel good.  As I was on my way to the bookstore I noticed that I was traveling in the opposite direction of said store... I was heading toward that parking lot that held the letters that were meant to be mine. I guess I was subconsciously obsessing about the letters. obsessing.

I pulled into the lot.
I walked around looking at the other art, as not to show my excitement for the letters.... You never want to look too eager to purchase art.
I stealthily walked towards them trying to act disinterested.

They were stunning. They were awesome. They cost TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS. yes. $2000 for 2 metal and 2 wooden letters. Seriously??

I can be disgusted by the high price tag... since I don't have a cool $2000 burning a hole in my pocket.
Because I know think if I did, I would have been loading up my 2002 Ford Explorer with these fantastic letters without batting an eye. yes. seriously.

Instead I had to settle for a photograph of the M. The letters were too far apart to get them all in one photo...and since I wasn't going to buy anything and the guy working there was looking at me suspiciously (possibly because I gasped loudly at the price and the began quietly weeping when I realized the letters weren't coming home with me) I quickly snapped a photo and left.

Here she is..in all of her glory, the letter M:

I guess I will just have to continue to dream. Maybe one day I will have extra-large useless letters in my home. (I currently own a small metal E and a small letter Q...they are only about a foot-and-a half tall. Small beans compared to these monsters.)

I left the parking lot, blotting my tears as I drove away and onto the bookstore where my next 3 obsessions can be found. These next three items can also be what spurs a new phase, or can be part of a phase.

They are Journals, Calendars & Books.

 It is rare that I ever leave a bookstore in less than an hour. Today's adventure was about an hour and-a-half long. Not a record...but I have some other things to accomplish yesterday...so I was on a time crunch.

Since it is September they have all of the calendars out on display. I walk by the display.

I think to myself: "I have an IPhone that has a great calendar that can hold all of my work obligations as well as my personal plans. I don't need a paper calendar." I high-five myself (in my head...because high-fiving yourself in public leads to sideways glances and whispering by others.)

Since I knew I had tons of willpower today I head over to journal section. Whoever said I wasn't a glutton for punishment doesn't know me very well.

I think to myself "You have approximately 10 journals at home. You don't EVER write in them."


At this point I am telling myself to quit rationalizing all of my desired purchases...but I know I am right to stop myself. If not, I would end up with another journal I don't use and a calendar that ends up being twice the work since I would have to write in all of the stuff from my IPhone calendar so I don't forget anything. It makes logical sense...but for some reason I always find myself wanting these things.

I know that part of it is that the paper calendar doesn't really work for me right now. My job is one that all of my appointments are done via email/outlook and I have to be able to access my calendar quickly. Lugging around a paper calendar isn't practical.

As for the journaling... I've wanted to be someone who journals, but my handwriting can get sloppy and journaling isn't really meant to be edited. I like to edit. I think that is also why journaling

I walk away from the calendar and journals empty-handed. It was a small personal victory.  Yay Me!

As I finish up my bookstore adventure, I run across three books that "need" to come home with me. They are:

My purchases actually made me laugh a little. Finish This Book in some ways is forced journaling. It is in workbook style and it also includes whimsical tasks to complete. Since my track record in following through with journaling is an epic fail, maybe this format will help move me along.

thx thx thx is also somewhat aligned with my journaling obsession. This book is filled with little thank-you notes the author wrote to everyday things in her life. It is brilliant! It also falls into my current phase of trying to have more gratitude (which is aligned with  my desire to be more "mindful"). The book itself takes 30 minutes to read, but it will be one of those treasures that stays out on the coffee table to remind me that there is a lot to be thankful for. Which is A WHOLE lot! I also might try her method in being thankful. It's quick, simple and pretty awesome.

Lastly, (insert justification here) I just really like Malcolm Gladwell's books. This purchase made some sense. I like the author and it seems like it will be an easy read.

Honestly, it really doesn't make much sense. I don't need another book. I probably have 40 books here at home that I have yet to read....

hum...

Maybe I'll make a list, I LOVE a list... a list of the unread books in my house. Then I NEED to buy the paper calendar so that I can organize my time to get all of the unread books read. And THEN I need to purchase that journal so I can write about all of the books I read in the next year, as well as ideas I get from the books. Plus, I didn't spend $2000 on the metal and wooden letters...so a little calendar and journal are such minor purchases.

Yep...that is how my brain works. I have a pretty amazing justification process. The likelihood of a future calendar purchase is pretty-much guaranteed.  As for the journal, I am getting my "journal fix" through blogging. Luckily blogging doesn't cost anything....and it allows me to edit. :-)

Happy Sunday!
~e

Planning is key....if you don't want to be left to die on the Mexico/ Guatemalan border)

When I travel there are some basic things that have to be planned before I head for my destination...transportation and lodging. Since the Mexico trip involved being transported to many different locations it was important to me to know where we would be laying our heads each night.

Talking with the girls about the trip they were more "free" with the thoughts of planning. They were good with just seeing how things worked out. Uh...no. That doesn't quite work for me. So... I volunteered to act as the planner for the trip. Think "Julie" from The Love Boat...but without the Dorothy Hamill haircut or the boat. (I have added a link for those of you too young to get this reference).

The farming part of the trip was the focus because it would be fun, would keep our costs down and would allow us to be in Mexico for a longer period of time.  We went through the WWOOFing organization. For a small fee you get a listing of farms located in the country or region that you are planning on traveling. You are then responsible for contacting the farms yourself and making arrangements. The list for Mexico was quite long.

I began going through the list, reading the descriptions and deciding which farms to contact. Some of the farms had very specific needs and time requirements, some had age/sex requirements, some sounded a bit frightening and then there were a few in the mix that sounded like they could work for us.  I began sending emails, and had Carolyn send emails in Spanish... as most of the farms provided email addresses and I didn't want my total lack Spanish to keep us from finding the perfect farm. The emails went out...then the wait began.

It took a few weeks to hear back from anyone. Out of the 15 or so emails we sent, we had only one reply. It sounded great! It was a small farm where we would stay in little tree houses where the windows were made out of the front of old soda machines. We would get to help the families in the villages near the farm and there was also the opportunity for us me to learn Spanish. The head "farmer" was American and he stated that he had moved to this area of Mexico (near the Guatemalan border) to help out the indigenous people.

Awesome! I email the girls to let them know we had found the perfect farm!

 Now...I've been told I am a pretty good judge of people and that I have a pretty good instinct.....

As I was emailing back and forth with Farmer guy to solidify our plans, there were some interesting weird things in the emails. First, he seemed a little too excited to have us there. Second, part of the WWOOFing program is that you work to pay for your room and board. Farmer guy started asking us if we could pay him a little bit of money...you know...to help out the people in the village. I found this quite strange. I tried to not let it bother me, since this was the only farm that we had heard back from...and we really wanted to farm.

An email from another farm had arrived in my inbox, but I put it aside. I emailed Farmer guy #1 to go over the plans for our arrival in a couple of months. I sent an email with more questions about the farm and a couple of questions about finding out about getting to the farm, the exact location of the farm and a few other traveling questions.  He replied to the farm questions. It sounded OK, but I was still getting a weird feeling. I couldn't quite figure it out...but I didn't like it. I emailed him back to get the answers to the questions about getting to the farm and travel plans....you know, the ones he didn't answer in the first email.

Oh...this is where the weird feelings came from.

 He stated that we needed to have cash in hand at the airport... and that he would pick us up. He also had raised the price since "he would provide us transportation" since buses couldn't get us there.   He also let me know there were ATM machines at the airport to get said cash, again stressing that we needed cash in hand...and that since he was driving us to the farm, which was about 3-4 hours from the airport. we didn't need the exact location. Umm....can you say I DON'T THINK SO?? (to me, it meant transportation of our dead bodies, after he had cleaned out bank accounts and murdered us...I know it sounds a bit dramatic, but it could have happened ya know!)

At that point I had a feeling that we were planning a trip... to be the next headline that later would be made into a Lifetime Television movie, starring Tori Spelling. (Tori would have to play Melissa, since she is the only blonde).

Hell NO! I waited a couple of days to email psycho Farmer back. I politely lied let him know that we were not going to be traveling to Mexico due to [insert lie here] and that I appreciated all of his help. It's important to be nice to people that you fear might want to kill you...even if they live in a different country. Just an FYI.

He emailed me back a rant that was SO incredibly disturbing that I had to delete it from my inbox. He was livid. He blamed us "spoiled American women" for the downfall of our country as well as the plight of the women in Mexico.

Uh, excuse me? Weren't we the people who were trying to come there to help?!?

 He spewed some other hateful and frightening things that let me know that my instinct was dead on. This guy was off-the-chain nuts.

I wasn't going to let psycho Farmer ruin our trip. I called the girls to let them know that I had just saved us from horrific death and our deaths being made into a Lifetime Television movie...and that I would keep up my search for a farm. They were thankful that I saved their lives [it was more like  "Ok Ellen, we trust you, if you don't like that farm, we're cool" ]  and I continued my search.

I emailed Farmer #2. He sent some information, but never confirmed that we could come to his farm. We went ahead with our planning knowing that it might have to wait until we get to Mexico to figure out where to farm. I did some research on hostels...and we began building our itinerary, at least for the first week of our trip. We decided to start in San Cristobal.

Now we had a place to start. We booked our flights....and in July, we headed to Mexico.


Next post....Introducing Melissa, Carolina, Natalia and Eyen 

What exactly did I agree to? aka I'm going to Mexico

I am going to apologize in advance for the quality of the photos of my Mexico adventure. My hard drive crashed and all of my Mexico pictures were on it. It's just too expensive for me to try to recover the photos right now...but luckily I had created a photo book of the trip...so I just took pictures of the photos in the book so I would have some visuals to share.


Also, this adventure will be shared over several posts...there is a lot to share and I don't want it to become a novel.

Viva Mexico!!

In the Fall of 2007 I took a job that I had no idea would change my life in the way it did. It wasn't the actual job that caused the change but the friend I would make because of this job. I became fast friends with one of my new co-workers, Carolyn. This friendship would be what it took to get my butt to travel across Mexico for a month and work on an organic farm. For some, that isn't a shocking thing to do...but for me, it was a big deal.
 Now, I've traveled quite a bit...and I've lived in New York and London; but the only time I'd ever carried a backpack was at school,...and when I think of an "organic farm" it generally involves the nice people I get to interact with at my local farmer's market. I'm just not the "outdoorsy" type.

How it all began... 
 Carolyn invited me out to meet up with some friends to hear a local band play. We were all outside talking between sets. All of us were teachers. Carolyn, Natalie and Melissa had been friends for about a year and they all had similar interests (camping, hiking, biking etc...) The girls started talking about the possibility of a trip to Mexico for the following summer. It was obviously an idea they had been throwing around. I was standing around listening to them talk about their plans to go to Mexico for a month... backpacking through southern Mexico and working on an organic farm.  Since they were all bilingual teachers, they all had experiences in places like Mexico and had "backpacked" across various lands. The young ladies (all at least 10 years younger than me) were getting excited about the idea of their trip. I was really excited for them!

Then...
 Carolyn looked over at me...

c:  You should totally go with us! That would be so much fun!"

 I looked over my shoulder to see who she was talking to. Maybe another one of their young, "outdoorsy" friends had arrived.  No one was standing there.

 Oh..she was talking to me!

In our short friendship, Carolyn knew that my idea of camping was a night at a hotel and my trips to Mexico always involved an all-inclusive wristband and free airport transfers. I wasn't even a kid who "camped" in my backyard.

me: Uh....really?? I'm not sure...camping, farming and carrying my belongings on my back  across a foreign land where I don't know the language....um.....is not really my thing.

At this point the other girls were encouraging me to come with them.
 It was weird. It only took about a minute for me to decide that this is something I needed to do, even if it was something I wasn't sure I really wanted to do.

me: I'll go! It sounds really scary exciting! Now, what do I need to do to get ready?

The girls started laughing. It was October. We weren't going until July of the following year. To me, it was time to get planning.

I got home that evening and began to freak out a little. Was I REALLY going to backpack across Mexico? The thought of it was really scary to me. Would I be able to keep up? Is it safe? How much Imodium can one take without dying?

 I got a text from the girls telling me how excited they were that I was going to go.

There was my answer. Yep...I was going to Mexico..... What in the world had I agreed to do?


next post........planning is key (if you don't want to be left to die on the Mexico/ Guatemalan border)

40..... is the magic number

I recently celebrated my 40th birthday. My friends threw me the most FANTASTIC party! I knew it was going to be awesome, but I had no idea how awesome. I mean...what kind of friends make jello shots that looked like little orange slices?  AWESOME friends! That's who!

This post isn't going to be about the fabulous party they threw for me or that the party also included a unicorn piñata (what did I tell you....awesome!!!) I can write more on that later; 

You see.... When you turn 40, you become reflective...at least for a few minutes. I think it is because it really could be the middle of your life.   For me it was a time to take stock in the things I have accomplished and my future endeavors phases. My reflective moment had me creating a list of things that I felt were a part of what makes my life awesome. Some things on the list you might have heard before...but I thought I would share anyway.  I will keep the list to 20 nuggets of "advice" ( I use that term very loosely).  Please feel free to comment with your own little nuggets (that sounds weird...but funny weird, so I'm not editing it out) So....here you go:

1. Don't "collect" friends. It's better to have a close group of friends who will really show-up for you, instead of a contact list full of friends who will show up for your Superbowl party... but won't be there for you when you decide to adopt 2 puppies at the same time and are totally regretting your decision. (that's a true story... for a later post)
2. There is nothing wrong with turning down an invitation to do something. If you don't want to go out, just say so. Don't  make up an excuse.
3. Your relationships with your family members can change over time. A lot of it has to do with how you deal with things. Remember...you are now an adult, act like one even if the other adults aren't.
4. Don't be so serious. Make sure you have as much fun as you can... at most everything you do. 
5. The "fun" (see #4) should include lots of laughter (which might require Depends if you have a weak bladder).
6. If you've picked your friends according to #1... then #2 shouldn't be a problem. Real friends learn who you are...but you need to do the same for them. They also need to call you out on your shit. That's what friend do. 
7. Forgive yourself for stupid things you did as a kid, teenager and young adult. Once you're 30...you're old enough to know better and will have to live with that guilt until you die, sorry.
8. Sometimes it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission
9. Fart jokes are still funny at 40. If you don't think so...I'm sorry that you are missing out
10. Not every friend has to be a best friend. Friends play various roles in your life, and sometimes the roles change as time goes on. It's OK. Sometimes a friendship might have run its course. It takes courage to walk away from a friendship that isn't working out anymore, but it is worth freeing up yourself and that person to have the right people in your lives. 
11. You can have views that are different than your family members and still be able to get along really well...but you have to be brave enough to set ground rules when it comes to touchy subject (ie: politics, religion, paper or plastic) Sometimes the rule is that no one can talk about the touchy subjects.
12. I would rather live paycheck to paycheck doing something I love than have lots of money that I earned doing something that doesn't bring me joy. (but that doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy winning the lottery....even just the $100,000 jackpot....I'm not greedy)
13. Be sure to have at least one friend who will honestly tell you if your ass looks like a billboard in those pants...and be sure she goes shopping with you every time. 
14. Don't do something you know you won't enjoy doing just to go along with the crowd; but also be willing to try something new, if you have some interest in it...even if it scares you. (example: I won't go skydiving...ever. I have NO interest in trying it. I don't understand the concept of voluntarily throwing yourself out of a plane..... I did, however, have a group of friends convince me to backpack across Mexico and work on an organic farm with them for a month, a few summers ago....I had NEVER been camping before this trip. Yes, it was outside my comfort zone...but traveling is something I love...it was a life changing experience...totally worth it!  I'll blog about the Mexico trip at some point too!)
15. Everyone should live in a big city for at least 6 months in their life. It's good for your soul...and it also makes you appreciate the small town you grew up in (hopefully...unless you grew up in a small town that totally sucks...if you did, just skip #15)
16. The level of happiness in your life solely depends on you. No one else.
17. If you are still blaming you parents, siblings, exes, 8th grade Volleyball coach, etc...for your problems/unhappiness...you are wasting a lot of time and missing out on life
18. Your presence in this world changes people's lives. Think about that. 
19. Know that everything you post on Facebook or on your blog goes into your permanent record
20. Just because your opinion is different than someone else's doesn't mean either of you are wrong it just means that you have a differing opinion...unless it involves the following..then you are TOTALLY wrong:
• If you like Rick Perry (he is an asshat...I don't care what you say)
• If you like Mariah Carey's music (although I can forgive you for this one... I may hold it against you, but I can forgive you..but you're still wrong)
• If you think it is OK to bash someone because of race, sexual orientation or special needs. (policial affiliations are fair game...just sayin')

I could have gone on and on with my list of nuggets....but I'll stop (because I'm really tired and want to go to bed)...but I will leave you with one of my all-time favorite quotes....

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”

~Dr. Seuss

~e

200 Mile Radius

Last winter I decided my new phase was going to be all about eating locally grown/raised groceries.  Anyone who knows me knows that I dream big and deliver small when it comes to my phases. No, that isn't a typo.  I generally want to make HUGE changes.....I talk about them and the things I am going to do....and then the reality and size of the undertaking rears it's lovely head and I am knocked down a couple of notches.

I really don't mind this process though... because as I am falling down... onto the hard ground of reality, I generally tear away a few nuggets of knowledge that make their way into my daily life, making it better...or at least more interesting.

How was I going to do this? It started with a blog.

200 Mile Radius

Here is the outcome:

The blog lasted about two weeks. The plan was to only purchase foods that were grown/raised within a 200 mile radius of Austin. That meant that my food sources would have to be farmer's markets or from a delivery service that provided farmer's market products. It would also mean that I would only be eating produce that was in-season.

 I used Farmhouse Delivery and they were pure AWESOMENESS! I started this venture in the winter. That made it hard for me because I don't really care too much for many of the winter veggies. Honestly, there were several times when I didn't even know what some of the produce in my bushel actually was! One of the many genius things Farmhouse does is they send you a picture of the produce in the bushel that has the name of each item. They also provide some killer recipes!

Here is a picture from one of the bushels I received:

 I had them deliver for a few months, but it wasn't working out for me as I was working an insane number of hours at work and didn't even have the energy to make myself a PB&J...and the thought of actually cooking wasn't going to happen. I started giving the produce to a friend of mine so it wouldn't go to waste. It was too much for me to take on. So I cancelled my deliveries. That was the day the blog died too.

                                     
One day I hope to return to Farmhouse Delivery. They are that good!



Since I was working 10,000 hours a week, going to the farmer's market wasn't happening either. So I went back to my old ways....Starbucks for breakfast, maybe grabbing some almonds or string cheese for lunch, and dinner was something ordered through a microphone and given to me in a paper bag through a window... or delivered directly to my house by some teenage boy trying to buy new rims for his Kia.

I've learned that I am either "all in" or "all out" when it comes to most things. Especially healthy eating and exercise.

I'm either going to see my FANTASTIC acupuncturist/nutritionist  on a regular basis and following all of her advice. (btw....Marlene is the best! Even when I come back after a long time away she is kind, helpful and totally awesome. She is also very real. She "gets" it. She rocks!).....or the baristas at my Starbucks are creating my beverage of choice before my car even pulls up to the drive-thru speaker-box. (they are nice too...but they aren't really into helping me get on a road to health...they sell coffee that tastes like ice cream...touche´)

I'm the same with exercise. I'm either working out with a trainer 3 times a week, or you can see the imprint of my butt on my couch and I'm considering the walk up the stairs to bed my "exercise" routine.


My newest phase is to find my place "in the middle".

It's harder than you think.

I was raised on casseroles, juice from concentrate... and corn was the top vegetable in our house. The only thing that was green in our kitchen was the apple-green linoleum on the floors and the Formica counter tops. During my childhood I ran around with a permanent purple grape-juice mustache.

I have come a long way from the days of "cream of mushroom soup" being the staple ingredient in my meals but it isn't hard for me to return to those roots. My generation was the first to have Frakenberries and Fruity Pebbles....many of these sugar-laden cereals came out the year I was born.  Yeah for me! The processing of food hit an all-time high for my generation...and I have the big butt to prove it. I'm not blaming anyone for my challenges with food. The facts are that I love some "foods" that aren't good for me and it has taken me many years to change some of my bad habits, and some of my bad habits still have a vice-like grip on me.

One of the biggest "nuggets" of information I have learned in the past few years is how delicious real food can be! I know it sounds weird...but until you have eaten the goat-cheese salad from Blue Dahlia, you haven't lived.

I am going to work on balance in my eating. Farmer's market foods whenever possible, talking a walk around the block instead of having to have a $60 a month gym membership. I'm going to try to start small. This isn't usually how I roll....but I think it is what I need to do right now. No crazy stuff. Just getting back to the basics.

The 200 Mile Radius idea didn't happen as I wanted, but here are some of the "nuggets" I learned:

1. The seed to healthful eating has been planted in me and will hopefully grow slowly into good choices I will make for myself every day
2.  I know that it's worth taking the time to make it happen
3.  I am much happier when I am eating foods that are good for me
4. My brain works better when I'm eating healthful foods
5. Almond butter is awesome
6. Farm-fresh milk is sent directly from God
7. I don't like Cilantro or Anise...even if it comes from the farmer's market...ick!
8. Buddha's Brew is the best Kombucha ever!
9. There is something called pecan butter by Local Baby out there. Once you try it you will be willing to hurt people to get more of it. (please don't hurt people...just order it online... it's easier that way)
10. The best jams and jellies come from Confituras. There is no reason to argue this point. You won't win.

So I guess this is the reincarnation of a past phase in smaller more realistic "bites". We shall see....

Happy eating!

e~

Tales of a third grade.... identity crisis

In 3rd  grade I changed my name.

It wasn't a legal name change. It was actually done quite secretly....I didn’t tell anyone.
One day I started writing "Shelley McPherson" on my class-work and homework for school. The genius thing about it was that Shelley was IN my class. Yes, she was one of my classmates. Blonde, cute, smart, popular, freckled and very, very nice. She brought cool stuff to show-and-tell, she was great at sports, great at math, and she was always happy. She was just an all-around great person.

I figured it would be great to "be" her ...and all it would take to make that happen was a name-change.
Now, I wasn’t unhappy with who I was, it was just that she was good at things I wasn’t. I was good at a lot of things, but Shelley was really good at a couple of things I wasn’t even remotely skilled in: sports and math.

I hated P.E. and the competitive games they had us play, plus I preferred to wear skirts and dresses to school. Learning the hard way that these two items don’t mix…the day my skirt got caught in the wheel of the stupid little scooters we had to ride; causing my team to lose and me to be forever shamed in the art of scooter racing.  This is just one of many examples of my lack of prowess in sporting activities.
I won't give you any math examples. I just sucked at math.

So, I figured the powers I would need to become good at sports and math were found in the name "Shelley McPherson".

I started the transition to my new name slowly. Just writing it on the heading of my papers once or twice the first week. I didn't see any changes in my athletic ability, so I began writing it on everything I turned in.

Our teacher was Ms. Altenhoff. She had also been my teacher in 1st grade, so she was aware that I was blessed with an active imagination. One day as she was walking us to P.E. she asked me to come back to the classroom with her. I didn't want to miss P.E., because I wanted to see if the name change powers had taken effect.

I decided it must be important since Ms. Altenhoff wanted to talk to me in private, so I went back to the classroom with her.  I didn't have ANY idea why she needed to talk to me. Really. I didn't.
I sat down at one of the desks. She walked over to her desk, grabbed a manila folder and sat down to join me.

Ms. A: How are things going for you Ellen?

me: Great Ms. Altenhoff!

Ms. A.: Are you sure? Is there anything going on....at school or at home that is bothering you?

me: No, (looking at her puzzled)  things are good....... Oh, I have a new sister!

Ms. A.:  I know! Remember, you brought pictures of her for show-and-tell the other day

(a long pause, as Ms. Altenhoff decides how to proceed)

Ms. A: Ellen, I have noticed that you haven't turned in any work in the last week or so. (waiting for me to respond)

me: (looking puzzled) Ms. A, I have turned in all of my assignments.

Ms. A: (opening the folder) Ellen, I seem to have no assignments for you, but for some reason Shelley has two papers for each assignment.

me:  Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you that I changed my name to "Shelley McPherson"! That is why. I'm sorry if it confused you.

Ms. A: (looking incredibly confused, and also trying not to laugh) Oh..wow....um....but Ellen, you have such a pretty name. Why would you change your name to "Shelley McPherson"?

me: She is really good at sports and math, and I want to be good at them too.

Ms. A: (Still trying to stifle her laughter) Ellen, you are good at so many things, and not everyone is good at everything they try.  Ellen, do you enjoy sports?

me: No, not really.

Ms. A: What do you enjoy?

me: singing, dancing, playing with my friends.

Ms. A: Then those are the things that make you "Ellen". Do you want to give all of those away to be "Shelley"?

me:  OH NO! I don't Ms. A! I don't! (in a slight panic over what I might have done to myself by changing my name. Did I give up the things I really enjoy? Can I get those "powers" back? Can this be reversed? )

(Ms. Altenhoff  sensing my panic)

Ms. A:  (in the most sweet, calm "teacher voice") Ellen, honey,  find the assignments you completed in the folder and write your name on those that are yours. That is all that you need to do, and all will be back to normal.

Without wasting a second of my time, I made the corrections to the papers. I handed them to Ms. Althenhoff, hoping that I could regain all that I was as "Ellen".

me: (with panic in my voice) Ms. A....is it all back to normal? really? I mean, I didn't want to get rid of the things I like to do...how will I know if it is all O.K???

Ms. A: Ellen, your class still has 15 minutes in P.E. Why don't you go on over to the gym, you will feel better after you play with your friends.

I head to the gym. In the 15 minutes I was there, I helped my team lose the volleyball game because I tripped and fell. My skirt flew up exposing my underwear.  When I got back to class, Ms. Altenhoff returned my math assignment. I had made a 52.

All was right in the world.

I have to thank Ms. Altenhoff for being so awesome. I know some teachers who would have made me feel like a complete weirdo for doing something like this. She handled it with kid-gloves, and I appreciate her for it.

_____________________________________________________

This post was inspired by the book I am currently reading, The Happiness Project. (this is what also inspired me to begin my blog).  Part of the project is to realize there are some things you will never really enjoy doing, and that it's OK.  It also talks about that there are some things you can enjoy doing, but might not be so good at... but if they bring you joy, why not do them?

Sure, I'd love to be as hysterical, creative and all-around awesome as  The Bloggess.... or to be able to be a yoga goddess like my friend Jamie ...or to have the fashionista/decorator skills of my cousin,  Sheridan French, or to be as brave as  FabuLeslie and join a running group and find her "inner runner"....but I'm not these people and I don't have their same talents..and that's just fine with me.
What I DO have is the ability to enjoy their talents, share them with others and to nurture the talents that I DO have. That is what we all should do.

Enjoy who you are, celebrate others for what they are.....
and don't change your name.

~e