Sunday, September 4, 2011

No front tooth required

I'd forgotten about another blog-worthy date I have been on, until talking with my sister last night. I do have to say that I actually have some positive online-dating experiences. They just aren't as amusing!

(I also promise to find another topic to blog about...but these little nuggets are really fun to share!)

We decided to meet at a coffee shop. Again, he didn't fit the mold of the type of guy I am usually attracted to, but I figured I'd take a chance. He emailed me the day we were scheduled to meet to tell me he might be a bit late because he had to go to the dentist to get a temporary tooth put in since the cap on one of his teeth had come off. I suggested we postpone the date but he insisted that it wouldn't be a problem.

He (AKA Toothy) showed up to the coffee shop and looked like he might be in some pain or still feeling the effects of the Nitrous. His mouth was a little swollen.

me: are you sure you are feeling OK? We can reschedule... 
Toothy: no, no...I'm fine (drool leaking out of the side of his mouth)
me: Ok...if you're sure...
We walk over to the counter to order our coffee. He states to the Barista loudly, "I'm here with the prettiest girl in the room!". The Barista looks at him strangely. I am the ONLY female in the coffee shop. We are actually the only people in the whole place, besides our male Barista.  The shop is deserted. The Barista gives me a concerned look. I try to signal through eye-contact to keep a close watch on us. He seems to pick up on my telepathic vibe that this isn't someone I know and that I am not sure if I will make it home alive.

We order our coffee and sit down.
Toothy smiles at me.
He needs to call his dentist and ask for a refund.

 He hadn't told me that the tooth that had to be repaired was one of his front teeth. The tooth was still bleeding a bit, and the "temporary" tooth looked like the dentist had glued a Lee Press-on Nail in his mouth. Seriously. Now... my two front teeth have bonding on them from a tragic playground accident when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade that resulted in a triangle shaped gap between my front teeth.  I know what it can be like to deal with dental work. I just think I would have waited to meet someone for the 1st time...that's all.

As he tries to drink his coffee, he has two challenges. The heat of the coffee was painful to the temporary tooth, and the residual numbing of his mouth was causing him to drool the little bit of coffee he is able to actually get into his mouth.

He started telling me about his job, he was a camera operator. He told me about all of the things he had filmed. It was kind of interesting. He told me about his family and some of his hobbies. He talked for about 45 minutes about various things. I was only able to get a head-nod and the occasional "um hum" in. He really thought he was quite interesting.

He did ask me about my work, and as soon as I start talking I am interrupted by another story about him.  I have to say, I knew this wasn't a "match" when we first met. I do feel like I'm generally a pretty good judge of people....but for some reason I throw that out of the window when agreeing to meet people I've met online....oh well.

I tried to politely end the conversation. I was worried the Lee Press-On tooth was going to fall out. It seemed to be precariously holding on.

Before he began his next story, I looked at my phone, pretended to check a text message from a friend in need and told him I needed to go.  He seemed a little shocked by my need to leave, but luckily a friend sent a real text to check in, so I had another "out" if needed. It was needed!

 He wanted to walk me to my car. I didn't really want him to know what my vehicle looked like. I don't know why I had this feeling, but I did...he just kind of creeped me out. I told him I had to go to the restroom and that I appreciated him buying me a cup of coffee...and that he shouldn't wait on me.  He seemed a little upset that I wouldn't let him walk me out, but I thought all was good.

I hid out in the restroom for about 5 minutes. When I was walking out of the restroom, the Barista saw me and signaled for me to go back in, quick! Toothy was still there. I waited in the restroom for a few more minutes when a woman walked in. She had just arrived for her shift and the male Barista had told her to come get me and let me know that the coast was clear.

It's good to have people who have your back!

I shared the story with the two Baristas. They thought he was creepy and didn't want something to happen to me, especially something that started at their little coffee shop. Sure, they needed the press...but not the kind of press associated with an online date gone terribly, terribly wrong.

I thanked my fairy godbaristas for their help. I walked to my car with them watching me from the window, just in-case.

When I arrived home I had an email from Toothy. He LOVED spending time with me, thought I was BEAUTIFUL and interesting (although he knew nothing about me, since he talked about himself the whole time)  and he couldn't wait to see me again.

 Oh crap!

I emailed him back. I thanked him for the coffee and told him it was nice to meet him but that I didn't see that it was a "match" for me. I wished him luck in his search. I was nice, polite and brief.

He email me back.

It was a long rant about all that was wrong with me and why I didn't deserve him. I was no longer beautiful or someone he wanted to spend time with. ever.  It was an email that, had I printed it out, would have been two pages long. Two pages that would have been good evidence as to why I was murdered that night.

 Two pages of all of the things that I am not, and why HE is the one who is breaking this off. Um....we just had coffee Toothy....there was nothing to "break off"....but if it makes you feel better, and keeps you from hunting me down to kill me....then broke up with me. I'm OK with that.

So...another one bites the dust. I guess that dust would be the only thing Toothy could bite.... with his Lee Press-on tooth. :-)


p.s. Thanks to the fairy godbaristas for having my back! I'm happy to report I am still alive!

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