Sunday, September 4, 2011

Online dating phase (aka...the reason I am still single)

I decided to jump into the murky waters of online dating a few years back. My last two career paths were very "female dominate" so the opportunity to meet someone was nonexistent. I decided to be brave and try the online dating scene. Boy, do I have some stories to tell! These are my top 3 (so far). They each deserve their own title:
  1. Tuxedo/Full-Figured
  2. Lasers and cats are cool
  3. Riding a bike to a date is a good idea
Let's start with #1 today. To begin, you need a little background information on me. I am what society calls "a full-figured" girl. What this basically means is that I am a bigger girl. I'm not 400lbs "bigger", but I don't fit into a size 12. Also, just to be clear, I had full length photos of myself on my online profile and for the "body type" section, I chose "full-figured". The other choice for someone not skinny is "stocky" and that is just wrong on so many levels.  I could actually go on a slight tangent about the verbage that is used to describe those of us with extra weight. Plus-size...really?!? Like it's some kind of bonus we got in life. But I digress...

Tuxedo (that is the name he will be given because he had on a Tuxedo in one of his pictures. That should have been my first clue that this might not go well). Tuxedo noticed my profile and he sent me an email stating he wants to start getting to know each other.

I have a rule. I won't spend time "chatting" or sending emails...if you are interested, we need to meet pretty quickly to see if (a.) you are a serial killer and (b). if there is any kind of connection.
At the time I was in the process of moving from one city to another. The cities were only an hour apart, so I didn't mind meeting in the city I was going to be moving to in a couple of weeks; I had lived there previously as well and was needing to take care of some stuff for my upcoming move. We decided on lunch. I got to the restaurant a little early so I was waiting for him to arrive. I saw him walking through the parking lot.

He spotted me.
He looked like he wanted to run.

He walked up to me and you could see the disappointment in his eyes, and pretty much all over his body. He looked like he had just seen his dog run over by a fat girl.

I was perplexed by his reaction, so as any girl would do.... I called him out on it:

me:      So, I can tell you are overjoyed with your decision to ask me to lunch
tux:,'s's just that...
me:     You didn't know what "full-figured" meant, did you? (said with air quotes for the full effect)
tux:, it's not that...well....
me:    Hey, you don't have to marry me. It's just lunch. No one knows why we are here...and since it is a restaurant and they serve food, then you don't have to worry...I won't eat you.
tux:    (nervous laughter that let me know he really wasn't too sure I wasn't going to try to eat him)
me:    Let's grab a table, it's all going to be OK.
So we get seated in a booth and start looking over the menu. Now, I have to tell you, this is one of my  FAVORITE places to eat. It is a pretty causal place and nothing that is ordered takes too long to prepare.
Tux orders a salad. Seriously.
I look over my menu at him and give him a disapproving look. I then ordered the sandwich I always get when I go to this place, with a side salad.
Tux looks like he is going to throw up.
me:    Dude, it's just lunch. Maybe we can use this time to help each other out with our profiles so that you don't have to go on a date with someone you find hideously unattractive and I don't....well, I am not surprised by anything about you, except your height...and we can talk about that maybe I can help you out.
tux:    I don't think you are hideous, I was just "surprised"
me:     How could you be surprised? I had photos online.  I had put that my body-type is "full-figured". Surprised by what?
tux:     Yeah...I know...but
me:    Oh..... YOU though full-figured means someone who has huge boobs! But without the huge butt! (trying hard not to laugh out loud...ok...I don't try too hard.)
tux:     (uncomfortable, intelligible garbling)
me:     It's OK. Now you know. But I recommend that you look at the whole profile before meeting someone. Oh, and by the way, fat isn't contagious, so you're going to be fine.
tux:     I think this might be my last online dating experience. I haven't had much luck.
Our food arrived and he began to eat his salad like they had just told him the firing squad would begin in 5 minutes, and he wanted to be first in line.
me:    You really are super uncomfortable, aren't you?
tux:    I just don't think we are a match
me:    Well, DUH. Can I give you some advice?
tux:    I guess.
me:    I am full-figured. Now that you know what that word means, then you can avoid full-figured women if they scare you so much.
tux:   That's really not "advice".
me:   I was getting to the "advice" part (air quotes used for good measure).  I know what it means when someone says they are six-feet tall, as you did in your profile. Maybe you need to go back and study proportions because you are batting zero when it comes to body size and height. You are barely five-foot-eight,  and on your profile you stated you were six feet tall.
tux:   Um.....well.......
I try to engage Tux in witty banter, but he is having none of it. Awkward silence follows for about 10 minutes.
The waitress arrives to drop off the check. I am still finishing my sandwich. Tux takes out his wallet, looks up at me and says:
tux:   We're going to split the check right?  I only had the salad and you had a sandwich and a salad
me:   No, I figure you should pay.  Since I didn't try to eat you.
tux:  (nervous laughter)
me:   Give me the check, I'm paying.
tux:   Why?
me:   Because this was the most insane date I have ever been on, and I don't want to feel guilty about it when I tell everyone about this experience. So, by me paying, it is  going to allow me to tell this dating story guilt-free.
tux:   OK. that works for me
me:    (I sigh at Tux's inability to pick up on sarcasm, and give the waitress my credit card)  I wish you luck trying to find someone who will put up with you...but I think you are going to need more than luck.  Have you looked into voodoo?

Tux gets up from the booth, without so much as a hug or handshake and leaves.  I wait for the waitress to return with my credit card and begin calling my friends to tell them about my fantastic date!

Online dating is awesome!

Story # 2 will have to wait for another day.


1 comment:

  1. omG.
    this is exactly why i refuse to be unsingle.

    you have more balls than i do. i don't even want to sift through the litterbox to collect the turds.